Stay Miserably Married or Get Happily Divorced?



I stayed in a loveless, thankless, unhappy and unfulfilling marriage too long. About two years too long, and about a year after it became completely and embarrassingly evident that divorce is what would be best for both of us, and for our daughter.
I wanted to get a divorce a full year before my ex asked for it. The only reason I really got a divorce is because he asked for it. I tried to stay in it: “I won’t divorce you until our daughter turns 18.” Then, I tried to save it, “I don’t care what’s happened, look – I took off my pants!”
Turns out, you don’t have to be active in your divorce. You spouse can divorce you whether you like it, want it or not. If you resist the process, it takes longer, costs more, and is a lot uglier. Even though I tried to save the marriage by having more sex, that didn’t work either. Any attempts at post-break-up, pre-divorce sex pretty much don’t work. Ever.
Finally, I accepted the fact that the divorce was inevitable. Even though deep down I wanted the divorce, too, more than words could express … I was afraid. I was afraid of being over 30 and single. Over 30 and a single mom just seemed like about the most horrible thing ever. Looking back, I can say 30 is young and I had my whole life in front of me, but then it sure didn’t feel like that.
Instead of telling myself the truth and asking for a divorce the minute I knew, I spent a lot of time being unhappy, wishing I was loved and cared for, and having a little too much wine watching re-runs of The Wedding Planner.
How do you know when it’s time to pull the plug on an unhappy relationship? No, it’s not the first minute or time you’re unhappy. Relationships have ups and downs, and go in cycles, sometimes are happier and better than others. No, I believe there are a few factors to consider, and somewhere in there you’ll know for sure:
  •     He’s unfaithful, you’re unfaithful, you wish he would have an affair (so you could leave and make it his fault) or you’re thinking of having an affair. Either or both of you are not getting what you need, physically or emotionally, if you’re looking to other people.
  •     If you didn’t have kids, you would’ve broken up long ago. The kids need positive role models of happy adults, so that’s what they can grow up to be. Your kids will learn what they are meant to do, based upon what you actually do.
  •     When you have different lives and don’t spend time together. Unless you look forward to spending time together no matter what you’re doing (or even if you’re doing nothing), you’re not partnered up right. Happily remarried, I definitely look forward to spending time together, even if it’s just watching a great show or going to the grocery store. With the first guy, I avoided it at all costs.
  •     You bicker or fight constantly. What are you not saying that needs to be said? Bickering and fighting can be a sign of a deeper, more significant issue. Sometimes what you really want to say is, “I’m done.” If that’s the case, take a hard look at saying that, instead of continuing down the path you’re on.
  •     Someone has a drug or alcohol addiction and they refuse to get help. Addiction is a strong word, so let’s start with this: if you need a glass of wine to “deal with your day,” that could be a problem. I want the occasional glass of wine and some chocolate, I don’t need it. If your spouse or partner drinks or does drugs daily, heavily, then you need to take a hard look and make some tough decisions, as this is the model your kids see.


I’m not advocating for divorce. I don’t think it’s glamorous to be a single mom. I do know for a fact life is too short to stay in an unhappy relationship. If you’re telling yourself it’s for the kids, or you’ll just wait it out until they’re old enough, well, why on earth would you do that? The week my marriage ended, one of my best girlfriends asked me if my husband was the role model I wanted for my daughter. I said, “no.” Then she asked, “If she grew up and married someone just like him, how would you feel?” Oh crap. Seek out professional help in making your decision, navigating this new terrain, and taking on your new life.
By all means, if it’s time for your relationship to end, end it. Both for yourself, and for your kids.

Vote For Me @ The Top Mommy Blogs Directory
Vote For Me @ The Top Mommy Blogs Directory

Vote For Me @ The Top Mommy Blogs Directory


HonorĂ©e Corder is the author of The Successful Single Mom book series, which is written in a positive, can-do voice, from the coaching perspective, by an executive coach who was also a single mom. These books provide that road map for creating the life you want, starting right now, today! Visit here for more inspiration.

9 comments:

Tess Renee said...

Goodness!

I am currently going through a divorce, have a 9 month old, work full-time, go to school part-time and the father of my son just deployed for 7 months...this week. I read things like this and I could not relate more! I also look at all of the people that I know that are in marriages or relationships like this. It is just amazing to me! Although it is a living nightmare, I would not give up my decision for the world because I know that the kind of love that I hope to have one day does truly exist.

Best,

Tess

Rochelle Wagner said...

Your divorce must have been really hard on you, but it's really good that you've accepted it and are moving on. I agree with you that seeking professional help may make your burden easier to endure and can make it easier for you to decide for what's best. :)

Rochelle Wagner @ SherrillCameron.com

bestspellcaster said...

"I was a little bit skeptical in the beginning and the reason is we've tried different marriage counselors already and spell caster and I've already read numerous other books on the subject. There wasn't anything I could seem to do. However after using Dr. Stanley spell and following the instruction he gave me, I have been seeing significant results with my marriage situation. And I'm a whole lot happier in my self. My friends and family are very glad to see that I'm back to my husband again! All thanks to drstanleyspelltemple@hotmail.com."
--Walsh, Seattle

Camisha Card said...

I'm so happy to be divorced it was like a 20 year nightmare! Trust me being a single mom to two teenagers, is like a walk in the park, compared to 16 years of abuse. I get zero child or spousal support, and have been more financially sound...post divorce. We have zero contact. It was scary to face marital failure, but facing life failure was MUCH WORSE. Everyone has his/her own cross to bear,but we are not given life to take for granted. Good Luck and Blessings to all.

Audrey Butler said...

Deciding to have a divorce is really an emotionally draining struggle. It can make you think of the worst out of things, and slowly eat out your self-confidence. But if you think there’s no way your marriage would be salvaged, despite trying your best to work things out, then it would be best to end the union. It can be more a failure if the both of the husband and wife stay in the bond, but seem not to take care for each other at all.

Audrey Butler @ Office of A. Goodblatt, P.A.

Casey Jones said...

You are right, it can be hard to leave a loveless relationship. I struggled with the same feelings of trying to make it work. My reasons were more along the lines of wanting to save it because I had already invested so many years of my life into it. I didn't want to have to start new with someone else. Divorce is a tricky subject. I am glad to hear you are happier now.
http://www.lawofficesofsteveschneider.com

trswope said...

That's a really great point about what if my daughter grew up and married someone like my ex-husband? I would absolutely want her to leave and week someone who treats her the way she deserves. I'll think about that next time I feel guilty for not keeping the marriage together. Thanks!

Danielle Broyles said...

I am headed towards divorce now. I am just not happy. He has been given so many chances to leave his ex gf alone and he won't. I'm so unappreciated and unloved by him. He is not in this for me he isn't attracted to me. I'm holding on for nothing. Starting to realize I can't make him love me. But at 27 with 3 kids will anyone really love me? A pretty face can't get u love it only gets fake love like what I have now. Divorce is a mess.

Ollagrahant Gabriel said...

@Danielle Broyles,
I have had my own bite of this discussion and its a lifeless, ageless encounter that will forever be discussed.
Self love, appreciation and care is all you need, don't look down on yourself that with 3 kids you will never find a playmate or a partner, No. You are just not @ the right place to meet the right person yet caz if you do, you will meet men that love kids and will do anything to get along....

This post has been so helpful, its has enabled me and broaden my understand of women needs and pains, no one is different, we are meant to support one another.....Danielle Broyles am sure you will get by