You Still Get to Have Sex After Divorce



I broke down in tears within two weeks of my split, but not because I was getting divorced. No, it was sex ... or more specifically the prospect of having sex -- with a new person {people!} that sent me over the edge. I was having drinks with two friends, both of whom had been divorced for several years, and we stumbled upon the subject of dating.  I remember my friend saying, "Don't worry, you'll even start having sex again before you know it."

Right there, in the middle of happy hour, I lost it. Seriously, I was completely in my shit. I was a mom. A former breast-feeder ... and those breasts were in a race for my knees. I had stretch marks, for God's sake, and there was no way I was going to allow anyone to see all of that. On top of it, I was over 30 and we all know that once you're over 30, that's it.

Well, no, that wasn't it. While my physical body was no longer in a unmarred, pre-baby state, I still looked pretty good. I just had all of those disempowering thoughts running around in my head, and it was up to me to change them. I had to get clear that isn't just a physical body that a man is attracted to; I had other qualities that would be interesting to men.


If you're like most of the women I know, we don't think of sex as just an act. It's something we do with someone who means something to us. Sometimes it's something we do that literally means everything. We engage in it with someone we love, someone we're committed to, not just someone we're hanging out with for the night. After a divorce, it's not that we don't have needs. It's just that those needs take a back-seat to going through the emotions that come with divorce.

In order to open up to sex, love and dating after divorce, the first step is to heal. Healing, unfortunately, can be a pretty hard and daunting process because it means you must be willing to take a hard look at yourself and identify patterns, personality challenges, and opportunities for growth. Once you've gone through that process -- and it takes much longer than it just took for me to type that sentence -- you will eventually find someone you want to be intimate with ... I promise.

Here are your post-divorce, pre-new-sex partner action items:

*Get your needs for physical touch met ... in new and different ways. You can do that through weekly massage. Thanks to places like Hand & Stone and Massage Envy, massage has never been easier to get or more affordable. 
*Get to healing! Engage a great therapist so you can heal, and a great coach so you can move forward. 
*Get out. As in, out of the house. Have you had a shower lately? If not, you need to at least get out of the house a little bit. Hang out with a girlfriend. Go to church, a yoga class, or even to the bookstore for a cup of coffee and a fun magazine.
*Get some. Yes, if you want to, you can have sex if the opportunity presents itself and it in line with what you want. You can read more about that here.

One of the best parts about being a single mom is that you're single! So take time to enjoy moments you have all to yourself, and know that someday you'll be in the arms of someone you love and all will be well.

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